A few weeks ago my cousin was talking to me about his wife.

“She just does not have any ambition. She is home with the girls all the time, serving them, and she says that’s what she wants to do.”

“Well, as long as she is not trying to live through them…” I thought of examples I know of when mothers make children do things they were unable to complete in their own youth: dance, sing, compete in sports… 

“It harms the children, you see? I tried to offer her to hire a nanny, to do trips, but she doesn’t want anything! All the children see is her life by the stove.”

“Look, I do not think that having a caring and present mother would harm the girls in any way. They will see other examples all around them and having good support from their parents will help them develop in the ways they want. And ambition… It is not always a good thing. I have a lot of ambition, and I have competed with my partners in relationships. You do not want to have a partner that cannot be sincerely happy for your achievements. I have changed since then, and I can channel things like this where they belong, but it did stifle my relationships in the past.”

“Well, it’s a complicated issue,” he seemed to be thinking about ambition and competing from the perspective I pointed out. 

“I understand.”

“We are just very different. Including the general level of where we are at,” he expanded the scope.

“Try to remember what you loved about her when you first met?” 

“I’ve changed a lot since then. I’ve changed, and she hasn’t.”

“Have your values changed? You must’ve had similar values before? And now?”

“I don’t know.”

“A woman can be led, brother. If she trusts you. Earn a woman’s trust, and she will follow you wherever you go,” I affirmed something I have recently come to believe in. And before you, reader, hate me or, the other way around, think to yourself ‘Told ya so’, please read further for what I mean.

“Well, I guess I haven’t earned her trust in 15 years together then,” concluded my cousin with sarcasm and some bitterness. 

At that point I texted him a long scroll of words that merited being a chapter in a book, according to the intended reader. Since then I have seen their pictures doing fun stuff together, with the children at a fair and without them riding a motorcycle on a road trip. I plan to follow up on how he feels in a couple more weeks.

Adding to the motivation to write down that scroll on trust that I sent to my cousin, my therapist tasked me with the traditional “list of characteristics you want your partner to have.” So, here I am typing away a list of things that I value in people, and that I believe would allow partners to build safety and trust, grow together, and solve any issues.

The List of Things I Want My Partner to Have

1. Integrity
   Meaning that their actions align with their words. They say what they do, and they do what they say. Simple, and yet there are so many people that do not have integrity. As a society, we have grown so accepting of empty words that it seems very normal when people say things and never follow through.
   “We should get coffee sometime!”, “I would help you with that!”, “It would be nice, if we [insert intentions]”, “I won’t do this again”, “We will do this next time” have become the empty phrases that friends, partners, parents, everyone just say, and the receiving person knows it would not happen, but pretends the intention is already good enough. It is not. 
2. Emotional Regulation
   Meaning that they are able to identify their own emotions that come up, to figure out how to feel them in a safe way and what to ask for to make it safe (a hug, a listening ear, some alone time, a day off work, etc.). They are able to follow up with a reflection about a need the emotion uncovered, and then determine how to satisfy that need: set a boundary with someone, ask for help, change their course of action at work, double down on self-care, go to therapy, etc.
   This, of course, requires a lot of courage to be vulnerable, an open mind to be flexible and an unwavering commitment to yourself to look the truth in the eye. If you have integrity though, there is no other choice you would rather make.
3. Servant Leadership and Taking Initiative
   Meaning the ability to take a lead, to make decisions that serve for the benefit of everyone involved, and readiness to provide rationale and be challenged. It becomes very natural and even easy to do leadership this way when you have worked through the first two points on the list.
   And this point is not only about big decisions – they concern the small ones, too. It contributes to the same feeling of trust and safety within a relationship, when you plan a big vacation, or when you start picking up at the kitchen without a nag or a reminder. It’s about showing up first.
   

In my humble opinion, any relationship we have in our lives (be it with your children, with your parents, siblings, friends, and, of course, partners) requires all the three things on the list to thrive. Integrity, emotional regulation and servant leadership create safety and trust between the people involved.

How do I know? I provide what I require.